I’ve come to this place in my life where I’ve noticed something so important and so crucial. Everything I do and all that I am comes out of my relationship with God. My deepest desire is to know God intimately and out of this, everything else flows – things like healthy relationships, peace, security and identity. In all honesty, at times this hasn’t always been my main focus and I often find myself caught up in the complexity that is God but, whatever I’m learning, I always come back to this one idea. It’s so simple.
I’ve wanted to be a missionary for so many years now that I can’t believe it’s really happening. This is my reality now! Just a few weeks ago I packed my things and flew across the world to Australia where I have joined the team at YWAM (Youth With A Mission) Newcastle. This October I’m staffing a Discipleship Training School, a six-month course in which students have the opportunity to get to know God in new ways before trying their hand at practical missions work. My role will consist of mentoring students as they grow in their faith and helping to lead a team overseas on a short term mission trip.
I’ve never had a leadership position like this before and I was so intimidated by what was being asked of me.
I’m the youngest on the staff team and I’ve never done anything like this before, not to mention the fact that I’ve just moved my entire life across the world for 2 years.
Immediately I was faced with insecurity, doubts beginning to flood my mind. Can I really do this? Will I be able to raise the money needed to cover my expenses? Do I need to change who I am in order to be a leader?
Arriving in Australia I dived straight into the work ahead of me and as I did so I felt myself begin to strive. I began doing all I could to become my idea of what and who a leader is. I tried to be someone people would like, making every effort to find my place and fit in.
I was completely self-focused. I let insecurity and doubt overtake me, making me believe I couldn’t be myself and a leader at the same time.
One day I was praying and asking God for understanding and clarity on what I’d been feeling and a thought popped into my head. Do you ever have those moments where you think something that is far wiser than anything you could have thought up on your own? Yep, well that’s what happened and, knowing it wasn’t my thought, I believed it was from God. He said to me, “You didn’t strive your way into this position of leadership, so why would you think you need to strive to sustain it?”
As God spoke these words to me I felt like a weight was lifted and I could finally rest.
He removed all the pressure my own thoughts had burdened me with and His peace left me completely undone. I started being honest with God and myself, acknowledging I was trying to accomplish everything on my own and I needed to let go. His kindness led me to repentance and because of this revelation my perspective was renewed and my heart was ready to listen to Him.
Since then I’ve felt freedom and confidence rising within me. I had felt so vulnerable the past few weeks, with insecurity and intimidation chasing me down.
Now I’m much more aware of my identity as the daughter of the One True God. I am loved beyond measure and God is closer than the air in my lungs. These truths have never been so real.
The students arrive in a month and I acknowledge that I’m not the most qualified for this task, but I’m willing, and that’s what God is after, a willing heart. I don’t have to know all the answer or try to pretend I do; I just have to chase after God, knowing He is all I need and out of that everything else flows.
Perhaps you’re in a similar situation or are going to be. Remember this, God is the one who steadies our hearts, fear or insecurity cannot touch you because you are His. You are strong because He is strong and courageous because He is courageous. God has put you in this place for such a time as this, and He is with you wherever you go.
by Kali Kavila
October DTS Staff